A Real Big Swinging Dick

Dick Cheney Dr. EvilDick Cheney came across my radar screen while writing Voodoo Robot Chili, my second novel to be published later this year. Yet another political schemer? I groaned to myself. See, researching Iran-Contra as a backdrop for my book provided me with a litany of depraved individuals, all conniving towards slimy self centered goals irrespective of law and common decency.

We didn’t need one more scuzzbag in the mix.

But there was Dick, mastermind of a Republican minority report (amongst other sordid activities). It was leaked to the press one day prior to the publication of the final “legitimate” report by the congressional Iran-Contra committee. And what did this minority report say? In a nutshell (emphasis on the word “nut”) it claimed that there was NO constitutional crisis, NO systematic disrespect for the rule-of-law, NO grandiose conspiracy, and most of all NO administration-wide dishonesty or cover-up…

Bravo, Dick! How time has proven you so right on all those points… NOT!

So now we find that Dick Cheney has had a heart transplant. Seems the old Halliburton refurbished swamp pump finally gave out. Yessirree-bob, the old ticker sprung a leak, blew a gasket, and just after the warranty period ended too. Wouldn’t ya know it!

Still, it may be time to look back and think about all the well-meaning things he’s done in the past. No one can be completely destitute of any and all virtue. For instance there’s…uhm…well, he…uhm…er, there was the time when Dick, uh…

Wow. I’m drawing a blank.

It ain’t amnesia. In fact, as I look through Cheney’s infamous history, going back all the way to the Iran-Contra scandal, I’m hard-pressed to find the eensiet smidgen of moral fiber. Trying to be as fair as possible, I spent four hours reading with blood pouring from my eyes, yet I came up empty handed. I found nothing, zippo, nada, diddly-squat, zilch. The man, as far as I can determine, has been a staunch war-mongering greedy bastard from day one. Maybe even from before birth. But…I don’t want to seem disrespectful to a man who may be dead by the time you read this.

Even when the dead happens to be pond scum.

I suppose not having (nor shall I ever have) the chance to know him first hand, I never shall witness the positive side of a man who made his career planning serpentine schemes on behalf of the American people and our great nation.

To his credit, Dick displays the healthy pluck of a chain-mailed pit-bull. And when asked if he’s ever made a mistake, Cheney has the gonads to defend every controversial decision he’s ever made. Nothing ever went wrong? What chutzpah! Yeah, like history is going to prove him to be the new Mother Theresa as we enter the age of transparent information sharing and enlightenment.

Oh well, I suppose this proves that it may be better to live under the shadow of a doubt than in the light of certainty. Though in Cheney’s case, that shadow is cast by a supermassive black hole of jingoistic machinations.

All right, all right..there’s a chance I could be wrong. Maybe Ronald Reagan might just pop out of his grave singing the Ramones’ punk rock classic, BONZO GOES TO BITBERG, and then take full responsibility for the entire Iran-Contra scandal.

On second thought, the chances of that happening really are zero: Reagan was never a Ramones fan.

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